Several factors cloud perspectives on BDSM and make it all the more difficult for the feminist women involved. For a start, pornography is not the most accurate portrayal of the scene. Sure it’s hot, and I’m a big proponent of porn, but it’s helpful to consider the differences between a kinky scene of whips and chains on the set of an adult entertainment film and incorporating similar stuff into a real life relationships. That is, porn will cut straight to the juicy middle of the action hot XXX material, but in reality (at least when you’re trying it out for the first time) there’s a whole lot of less sexy stuff either side. Boundaries established, safe words outlined, choices made and consent declared. Now, this can come about as a casual conversation and needn’t be a signed contract, but nevertheless it happens and makes a big difference to the personal security and state of mind of all participants.
Similarly, I doubt many practitioners of bondage and discipline get up and go about their day qualm free immediately after a session, or even roll over and go to sleep. Fetish clubs have ‘aftercare’ rooms for a reason. Sex involving BDSM is bound to be intense, and as part of a relationship where the ‘normal’ power dynamic is very different from the ‘sexual’ one even more so. The sex I have with my partner is genuinely scary, genuinely painful and I couldn’t be happier with this. But it means the attention I need afterwards is heightened and different from more typical sex. I need reassurance and comfort, and my partner knows this and will always provide.
[tw: misgendering of genitals] Why biological essentialism is not a good indicator of gender.
Penis is a male organ. Learn biology. Male and female are biological realities.
You can call yourself a “woman” but you cannot call yourself “female” if you have normally functioning XY chromosomes.
Penis is not a female organ.
Male and female relate to gametes only. Male and female are defined on gametes if a species has two kinds, and one is smaller. The smaller one is male. Thus ends the biological definition of male and female.
Chromosomes and stuff are how evolution builds a body to hold male or female gametes in the context of human sexual dimorphism. Different species do chromosomes differently, or use something else like how warm the egg is. Gametes are fundamental, X/Y chromosomes are just mechanism. Different species don’t necessarily have only one kind of male-plan body or female-plan body.
Evolution doesn’t exactly build a body as “male” or “female” either. There’s a lot of slippage in the process that constructs male-plan and female-plan bodies, and that’s clearly “deliberate” (evolution could tighten up the error checking, but has chosen not to). Complicated genders and complicated bodies seem to be an evolutionary advantage, in small numbers, such that there are enough cis straight people left over to breed.
Now you have learned some biology. Time to learn some sociology.
Privileging the biology as an explanatory excuse is something our society does to create castes called “sexes”, that relate only in the crudest way to biological reality. Defining two-and-only-two sexes is something our society does because they are castes, not because they relate in any reliable way to having large or small gametes, or the ability to carry or fertilize a pregnancy.
Penis is defined as a “male” organ because facing the biological reality that not everyone constructed with a penis has a male-plan brain would break the caste system.
When you define it as a “male” organ, you re reinforcing these patriarchal castes.
Now you have learned some sociology.
Sex Positive BDSM Comic
One thing I always get concerned about when seeing all the hype over the 50 Shades of Grey books is the portrayal of kink and the problematic issues of consent presented in those books. This comic, which is still ongoing, is a very sex positive and kink positive view of BDSM, while also setting a good expectation of consent and safety concerns. To top it off, it is well written as well, aside from typos. Just something you might be interested in.
Just started reading it. OH MY GOD YES PLEASE THIS IS LOVELY.
Mission: Great Sex! -- Lucky Bloke will be donating condoms to over 5,000 people worldwide!
Thank you for supporting us as we fight mediocre sex and STIs!
”It is going to take serious funds to deliver premium condom assortments to 5,000 people (and their partners) around the world, at no charge to them. To keep this review as unbiased as possible, we will not be accepting donations from condom manufacturers (and even at wholesale prices), 75,000+ premium condoms is a serious investment!”
LB will be donating over 75,000 condoms to 5,000 people around the world for FREE! To help make this project happen, follow the link below and donate whatever you can! $5, even though small, can buy a whole box of condoms at the grocery store. Imagine what it can do in bulk! Help encourage safer sex practices.
I think it’s degrading to women to say porn is inherently degrading to women. Of course, not all women choose porn out of desire or free agency, and especially during Sexual Assault Awareness Month, we should be cognizant of this fact and the institutional factors that make it so. But many women consume and/or participate in porn actively and frequently, with enjoyment and discerning ethics. Discounting our participation erases our sexual agency and restricts our free sexual expression.
I don’t know if rape jokes encourage rape culture. I don’t care. You still shouldn’t tell them.
Statistically, if you have told a rape joke to a group of more than five people, one of the people you told it to was a rape survivor, possibly of multiple rapes. They will not necessarily disclose this to you; rape apologism is endemic in society and most rape survivors are cautious about whom they tell. Some may even be too ashamed of their rape to admit it to anyone, or because of rape-minimizing narratives like “men can’t be raped” and “I consented to oral, so I couldn’t have been raped” may not admit it even to themselves. The fact remains: if you’ve told dozens of rape jokes in your life, then you have almost certainly told a joke that minimizes or trivializes rape in front of a survivor.
And if you put as your Facebook status “I totally raped at Halo today” for your two hundred Facebook friends to see, statistically, you have just reminded thirty-three people of one of the worst experiences of their entire lives.
To describe how well you did at a video game.